The Eleven Guiding Principles of Marriage Recovery
Marriage is a fundamental institution of God that was established prior to the fall man into sin. After the fall, the institution of marriage was under assault by the sinful desires of the marital partners. This erosion of the marriage institution is the major cause of conflict within the marriage relationship and in some cases the eventual dissolution of the marriage. The purpose of this discourse is to address the difficult work of restoring a marriage that is in a state deterioration. It is a guidebook to couples committed to improving the condition of their marital relationship.
The most important thing to remember is that in each of these principles of marriage recovery the goal is progress, not perfection. If each spouse is committed to ongoing and steady progress toward the restoral of the marital relationship, the marriage can be restored and the joy and blessings of a God centered marriage can be realized. The source materials for this section are the work of the late Gordon R. Bear, a licensed Christian marriage counselor and my own study and research. For many years, my wife Marie and I were privileged to be recipients of Gordon Bear’s guidance and wisdom.
Principle One: Promote truth and oppose denial
A healthy person is in tune with the reality of life. Living in denial distorts reality and hides truth. We must acknowledge the true reality of our own faults before we can be truthful with others and God. Denial is rooted in ourdesire to hide from reality. The breaking of denial is the act of facing reality. One of the most difficult challenges in life is the act of facing reality concerning our own issues, faults and failures. Just as the first step to obtaining justification from God and redemption from out sins is the act of acknowledging and confessing our sins, the first step in restoring a broken marriage is the individual act of acknowledging and confessing our issues, faults and failures in the marital relationship. Facing truth is a very difficult and challenging task, but it is also a major first step toward marital reconciliation. When facing the mirror it is vital that we are honest with ourselves concerning our shortcomings. Anything short of complete honesty is an act of self-deception and that incompleteness is a great hindrance to marital reconciliation.
Principle Two: Avoid the temptation to control others and gain relationship liberty
Our attempts at excessively controlling others and controlling our circumstances for the purpose of creating a false image of success indicates a selfish desire to avoid uncomfortable feelings of loss of control. Insecurity and being vulnerable to victimization are root causes of the need to control others. Domination is a hammer used to avoid vulnerability and provide a sense of self-direction. The act of controlling others and ourselves gives us a false confidence of self-control. In reality, true self-control is capable of facing our own demons, circumstances beyond our control and the actions and reactions of others. A supreme confidence in the sovereignty and providence of God results in true confidence and self-control. This level of self-control remains calm in the midst of the storm of difficult circumstances and human conflicts.
The ability to live in reality and truth provides freedom from a distorted perception of life and marriage. When we relinquish control over others and over futile attempts to control difficult circumstances we nurture marital unity. There are times when God puts us in difficult circumstances that are beyond our control to teach us patience and humility. When we face our own frailty and inability to exercise full control over others and all of life’s circumstances, we break denial and enter a state of vulnerability that teaches us to depend upon and trust the providence and sovereignty of God. The freedom to be genuine in thought and personality allows for the diversity and expression of various perceptions within the marriage, without sacrificing the unity of oneness that provides a defense against difficult circumstances and marital conflict.
Principle Three: Take risks to embrace trust
Becoming vulnerable is risky; however, trust is the mechanism that carries us across the valley of risk. We risk being marginalized in society to follow Christ. The same is true in marriage. We risk being misunderstood, hurt, mistreated or even abused when we become open, honest and vulnerable in marriage. The path of marital growth is cut through the forest of risk. As trust is earned through acts of trustworthiness, the forest of risk becomes the abode of faith and intimacy. The trust of a marital partner must never be violated. However, if a violation occurs, the holy attributes of grace, mercy, and forgiveness become the healing balm of the soul.
Trust must be earned. Offenses must be acknowledged. Confession brings forgiveness if the marital partner is capable of facing reality and granting forgiveness.
Time is needed for the violated partner to heal from the wounds of the violation. The deep wounds never go away, but the act of forgiveness inoculates the pain of the wound and redirects the memory of the wound toward the healing balm of grace.
It is very difficult for a victim to heal without intentionality and effort. When vulnerability results in hurt or victimization, the ability to address the issue without falling into a state of defensiveness or retaliation is vital. Indifference is not always the result of rejection and lack of support is not always a sign of betrayal. There are many factors effecting indifference and rejection. Intentionality actively seeks to understand truth and works a plan to overcome hindrances to marital intimacy which isindifference and rejection.
Not all victims are in reality victims. Sometimes a victim’sself-identity is the result of real abuse and actual trauma; sometimes it is a self-imposed victim identity resulting from denial or unjustified self-pity. This manifestation of self-pity can be used as a method of self-protection, manipulation or an escape from the fears of vulnerability.
Placing restrictions on toxic or harmful attitudes or behaviors serves to protect the marriage from harm. Restrictions often called boundaries are protective devices preserving our safety and security from emotionally and mentally toxic environments and abuse. Protection against the vulnerability of victimization is achieved through the setting of boundaries, self-nurturing and assertive coping. However, this should not be used as an excuse to justify selfishness resulting in the setting of overbearing and unreasonable boundaries. Boundaries should not be methods of disregarding the biblical principle of death to self (Luke 9:23-25). Self-denial is an act of warring against sinful and dysfunctional fleshly desires. Self-nurturing andassertive coping should not become avenues toward self-worship. They should be the act of viewing ourselves through the lens of being bearers of the image of God, adopted children of God and the Bride of Christ. Our worth is not determined by the autonomous self, but by our position from creation as image bearers of God and the grace of God lifting us up out of the miry clay of sin and exalting us into the family of God.
God wired men and women to be complex image bearers of God, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. There is no secret formula to human behavior. The individual is the product of many factors, including gender, environmental influences, family lineage, life circumstances, spiritual condition and the type and level of education. Therefore, using a cheat sheet of human behavior as a one-size fits all approach to your spouse is insufficient knowledge to come to any conclusion concerning behavior patterns. Your spouse is a unique individual creation of God and although some general principles apply to human behavior the real devil is in the details, those things unique to your spouse.
Principle Four: Strive toward interdependency not codependency
In marriage two souls are enmeshed into one unity of intimacy. They leave father and mother to become one flesh (Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31). The woman completes the man and the man loves and nurtures the woman (Genesis 2:23; Ephesians 5:21-25). This creative design if misunderstood can result in the loss of individual identities within the marital bond. Marital unity produces a healthy and balanced dependence on each other in mutual nurturing and service within a shared identity. In the same manner that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are three distinct and individual persons of the one true God, husband and wife are two distinct persons of the oneness in marriage.
When a distorted view of marriage results in dysfunctional enmeshment the result is the loss of personal identity and the marital partners become an extension of each other. God the Son is not an extension of God the Father and God the Holy Spirit is not an extension of God the Son. They are distinct persons within the trinity of God and yet are not three different Gods but are one God. The unity of husband and wife is not a blending of two individual souls into one unidentifiable mush. It is the individual completeness that enhances the oneness in marriage.
When one of the marriage partners suffers the loss of self-identity it results in a concept called Codependency. The dysfunctional spouse adopts the identity of the other spouse. This results in the inability to function as a healthy individual that recognizes the distinctness of personality, mind, talents, abilities, interest and desires. These are all attributes that define our uniqueness as a fellow human being. In the same manner that the members of the trinity honor the unique role and purpose of the other members of the trinity, we should honor the uniqueness of our spouse. God the Son does not attempt to take on the role of God the Father and vice versa. Each member of the Trinity stays within the boundaries of their unique functions and roles. The some should be true within the unity of a marriage.
Another dysfunction of Codependency is the inability to distinguish healthy service to the other spouse from enabling behavior. The Codependent spouse lacks the determination to refuse support for bad habits, toxic behaviors, addictions and idolatrous affections from the other spouse. A spouse that has a right view of their individual role and responsibilities within the marriage and has a worth rooted in their image bearing of God will confront the other spouse who engages in sinful or destructive behavior.
Perfect fellowship among the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit within the Trinity of God is rooted in adherence of each member to the attributes of God and the function of their unique role without the dysfunction of coursing the boundaries of roles and a lack of moral character. Blessed fellowship within the marital relationship is rooted in the individual pursuit of holiness and the adherence to the unique role of each spouse. This is the concept of interdependency in marriage. Interdependency consists of accountability and responsibility. Each spouse depends upon the other spouse to point out a lack of accountability and each spouse exercises unique role responsibility. Each spouse is responsible of their own actions and behaviors, not for the actions and behaviors of the other spouse. This results in a healthy marital bond that functions as a catalyst for the goals, dreams and mutual support of each marital partner.
Principle Five: Embrace intimacy and reject isolation
When we abandon isolation in favor of connectedness we discover the intimacy of togetherness through means of empathy and mutual regard. When a married couple maintains self-centeredness, stubborn distrust and a mindset of fearful victimhood the marriage becomes a limiting factor in the relationship. When two become one, individuality is not martyred, it is enhanced within the secured partnership of marriage. Your spouse or you should not blend in a fashion that loses individual identity. To the contrary, the unity of two individuals in marriage completes the fullness of individual identity. Neither should individual identity destroy marital unity.
An overemphasis of individuality promotes independence rather than unity and invites destructive outside influences into the marriage. Your relationship with friends and extended family should never become more important to you than the relationship you have with your spouse. Isolation from the marriage that shifts toward intimacy with another individual outside of the marriage, rather it be emotional attachment or physical attachment, is an adulterous act, regardless if it is with the opposite gender or the same gender.
Too often a marital partner finds safety from the inconvenience and discomfort of risk taking within the marriage by means of isolation. A fragile and/or weak spouse often builds relationship walls of protection that damage the marriage. Past abuse, both emotional and physical, as baggage that is brought into the marriage is often the reason for the activation of the wall building construction crews who construct the isolation protection zone. Within the walls of the isolation zone the insecure spouse seeks safety from marital conflict. The successful marital couple forbid walls of isolation and embraces the risk of marital conflict complete with initial discomfort and the eventual reward of joy.
Principle Six: Overcome past paralysis with current growth
Our past and family origin is our heritage and legacy and the same is true of our spouse. Two heritages blend together to become one heritage for us and for our children. However, getting stuck in the past stifles the forward progress of the marriage legacy. Disagreements concerning the nature of the newly formed marriage legacy are inevitable, therefore patience, grace and some compromise with your spouse is vital. A lack of comfort with ourselves, the uncertainty of change, a loss of the comfort of past familiarity, our need for self-protection based upon past wounds, a lack of emotional growth and a lack of maturity are some sources of past paralysis.
The wiliness to take risk in the marriage helps us to overcome being stuck in the past. Personal habits can be a source of past paralyses. The resistance to change and resistance to adjust to our life partner becomes the glue that mires our marriage in past mud preventing marital growth. Personal growth is the oil that greases the machinery of marriage and removes the friction of past issues and conflict. The declaration that “my family has always done it this way” promotes resistance to change in the marriage.
Personal growth helps us to become responsible partners within the marital relationship. We also learn to be problem solvers with our spouse enabling us to move beyond past failures and benefit from past lessons rather they be positive or negative experiences.
Principle Seven: Avoid manipulation motivation in interpersonal relationships
It is important to remember that the goal is progress, not perfection. The desire to “fix” your spouse is a strong temptation that must be avoided. The use of manipulation to fix your spouse can severely damage your relationship. Various methods of manipulation are often used in a dysfunctional marriage including intimidation by anger, inducing false guilt and playing the victim for the purpose of gaining an emotional advantage. These are attempts to dominate our spouse. It is a power play within the marriage.
When this behavior is passive aggressive it is often hard to detect. When we communicate mixed messages it causes confusion and the truth is muffled. More subtle methods of manipulation include, the use of shame, mind reading, presuming your spouse’s thoughts or motives, and making appeals to immature needs by means of excessively dependent behavior. These manipulative methods are designed to control your spouse’s behavior. Our need to control others is born out of our fears that we will lose control over people and things that effect our lives.
A healthy marriage is focused on interpersonal motivation for each other. Encouragement is positive motivation. It is important to encourage each other as each spouse makes progress. Demands of perfection are poison to the relationship. It stifles growth because it discourages your partner from continuing on the positive path of improvement. Positive elements of encouragement and drive toward a healthy marriage include assertive behavior, timely confrontation, inspirational challenge and recognizing and encouraging our spouse’s potential. Clarity in our communication to our spouse helps to prevent conflict that comes from misunderstanding that which our spouse intends to communicate. Progress is made when the marital partners avoid hidden agendas through deceptive communication.
Principle Eight: Be kind not nice
Being nice to your spouse does not benefit the marriage. Niceness is often confused with kindness. Niceness is an act of pleasing the other person regardless of behavior or attitude. Niceness placates behavior to avoid conflict and have a sense of peace in the marriage. Being nice to the other spouse involves an excessive concern with beingpolite, having proper manners, constructing etiquette and avoiding conflict at any price. Niceness is maintained by the appearance of agreement and by servitude submission.
Kindness in contrast to niceness is genuine. It is the act of genuinely caring for the other person with sincere regard by service rooted in love and truth. Kindness never compromises truth and never avoids conflict for convenience. Kindness shows mercy not pity. When we act in kindness we practice tolerance and forbearance without compromising truth. Kindness recognizes and faces conflict, whereas, niceness produces a façade of acceptance and harmony while avoiding conflict. Kindness embraces unconditional love regardless of conflict.
Unconditional love is not blind acceptance of faults. It is tough love when issues of conflict and character flaws must be confronted. Tough love is not rejection. It is the gentle confronting of an offense with truth, acceptance and forgiveness. Therefore, kindness recognizes conflict and expresses gentleness, forgiveness and grace. Niceness is rooted in mentally toxic activity that produces dysfunctional living. Kindness is founded in the fruits of the spirit resulting in true resolution of conflict and Christ-like living.
Principle Nine: Be a caregiver not a caretaker
The means we use to care for our spouse can be either beneficial or it can be toxic to the relationship. The concept of caretaking is toxic. The concept of caregiving is beneficial.
Caretaking is a means of enabling destructive thoughts and behaviors in your spouse. It denies your spouse the opportunity to grow and be a responsible partner in the marriage relationship. The caretaker assumes their spouse’s responsibilities and provides protection for the spouse’s vulnerabilities. The caretaker tries to run their spouses’ life by means of spousal problem solving, enabling denial and rescuing the spouse from the consequences of their actions. This is an adult-child relationship. The spouse being rescued is being treated like a child who escapes consequences.
Caregiving is the act of adult-to-adult nurturing and protection in the marriage. The caregiver is kind and expresses concern and gives comfort to the needy spouse. Caregiving does not abandon personal needs or care to serve the spouse. An unhealthy spouse cannot help an unhealthy spouse. Two dysfunctional spouses are not able to strengthen the marriage. They must first address their own issues and set healthy boundaries to guard against triggers that lead to dysfunction.
God sets boundaries in his relationship with us through means of the law of God. The law of God emanates from the core being of God and holiness of God. The law of God governs our relationship with God. When the law is violated God shows grace and mercy to his Bride, the church, by providing forgiveness through the sacrifice of Christ on the cross. Yet, God does not remove temporal consequences for our actions. God does not enable our behavior. God is a caregiver, not a caretaker.
Boundary setting is healthy for a marriage. When we cross God’s boundaries we are guilty of sin. If God compromised his law and failed to judge law breaking, God would relinquish his holiness and righteousness. That is the reason the Father poured out his wrath against sin onto the cross of Christ. Christ bore the burden of our sins upon himself. Christ sacrificed himself for his bride. The sacrifice of Christ satisfied the holiness of God and the wrath of God against the redeemed in Christ. Therefore, God’s boundaries ensure that his attributes, in this case holiness, are never compromised. Setting healthy boundaries enables a spouse to protect their own integrity and become a caregiver to their spouse.
It is important to be wary of excessive and unhealthy boundaries that are not used to help your spouse, but are used to manipulate your spouse into relinquishing opposition to your personal selfish desires. The purpose of boundaries is not to fix your spouse. Their purpose is to guard against toxic and abusive behavior from another person or your spouse. The biblical principle of death to self is not an invitation for becoming the punching bag of an abusive spouse. It is the principle of dying to our own self-worship, sins of the flesh, pride of life, lust of the eyes and lack of love toward God and others. The setting of healthy boundaries is an act of love because it denies enabling behavior and embraces self-sacrifice for the benefit of others. Enabling behavior does not benefit others; rather it is an act of selfishness on the part of the enabler. For example, God’s commandment to “come out from among them and be separate” is the establishment of a healthy boundary governing the relationship between God and the redeemed believer in Christ. (II Corinthians 6:17-18) Clearly, God sets boundaries.
The commandment of God in Luke 9:21-23 to die to self is a boundary we set for ourselves in our effort to follow Christ. We die to self and live unto Christ. In a marriage, we die self and live unto Christ for the sake of our spouse. Extending forgiveness, grace and mercy to our spouse is an act of dying to self. We die to self to serve our spouse in a functional and nontoxic manner. When we love our spouse, we are willing to enact sacrificial tough love and set boundaries against sinful and toxic behaviors. This is not an excuse to go into isolation and hibernate in our selfishness. It is an act of exposing the sin or toxic behavior that damages the marriage and then refusing to participate in it. It is not an attempt to fix your spouse. Once the behavior is exposed, it is the responsibility of the spouse of whom the behavior is acted upon, through means of self-examination and confession, to humbly acknowledge the sin or toxic attitude. Denial is the poison that destroys the relationship and a defensive response to a revelation of wrongdoing is a form of denial.
A boundary is not meant to split the unity of the marriage. Biblically, two become one in unity in the same manner that the Holy Trinity is one in unity as one God and three persons of the one God. A marriage is one union of two individuals or persons who are one in commitment to God and marital unity. A marital relationship is comparable to the honor and respect among the individual members of the Trinity of God. They are one in their identity as God, one in attributes, one in purpose and one in unity. Therefore, the persons of the one true God are our ensample concerning caregiving in marriage. The Son honors the Father through the act of yielding to the Father’s will and the Father honored the Son by acknowledging the perfect obedience and exalted role of the Son. Yet, they are both equal as God. In marriage we are to honor one another and recognize the vital importance and exalted worth of our respective roles.
Principle Ten: Express emotions in a nondestructive manner and avoid emotion repression
God is not a stoic entity. God feels and expresses emotions on a much deeper level than the capacity of people. Even in his wrath, God demonstrates to us a level of self-control, grace and mercy. When in wrath God destroyed the earth with a great deluge, he showed compassionate grace and mercy to Noah and his family. Therefore, God’s wrath was not out of control. It was measured and within the parameters of his attributes. In the same manner, we have emotions that emanate from deep inside our soul. Emotions are one of he attributes of humans that separate us from super computer, robots or even androids. We are not biological computers. We are created beings made in the image of God that poses a soul. Therefore, our expression of emotion should be honest, unhindered and measured.
Out of control anger results in physical, mental and /or emotional abuse. Whereas, out of control feelings of personal insult or offense can lead to isolation, bitterness and manipulative behavior, our emotions are connected to our physical well being and out of control emotions can lead to physical ailments such as ulcers, migraine headaches, colitis, muscle tension, back aches, skin rashes, body tics, constipation, diarrhea, hypertension, impotency, frigidity and insomnia.
When a couple enters the marriage relationship they bring with them the luggage of past offenses, abuses, trauma and emotional triggers that become sources of conflict within the marriage. Working through this emotional baggage requires patience and grace from each marital partner. Therefore, it is appropriate at times to sacrificially restrain the full impact of emotional baggage to protect the other spouse from taking the full impact of years of pernicious built up frustrations, anger and bitterness. Learning how to express emotion in a measured and healthy manner so as to be productive in its healing impact is vital to maintaining a healthy emotional relationship within the marriage.
The suppression of emotion is another negative impact that damages the marital relationship. Extreme negative impacts upon the individual results from long term suppressed emotion that includes depression, physical ailments, isolation, social repression and even suicide. Emotions must be expressed through a measured and calm acknowledgement of the core source or cause of the emotion and an intentional desire to heal from the toxic source of the deep emotional hurt or agony of the offense.
The first step to healing is to break denial and then to face the source of the offense. Once denial is broken, a healthy acknowledgement of the offense and expression of the deep emotion produced by it, without spewing its toxic negativity upon another person, is a major step toward healing. Expressing your agony, anger or other emotion to God in prayer, in the same manner that David did in the Psalms, is a healthy means of confronting the source of emotional expression. Journaling, prayer and godly confrontation are healthy means of healing from the emotional impact of an offense, trauma, abuse and other negative sources of emotion.
Another source of emotional expression is the disappointment of being confronted with our sins, selfish desires and idolatrous attachments. The proper response to these sinful desires is acknowledgment, confession and repentance. A healthy emotional relationship is the glue that binds the unity of the marital relationship.
Principle Eleven: Overcome shame through a God centered view of self
Shame is an emotional response to our recognition and acknowledgment or our failures and sins. Shame can bring us to repentance, but it can also hold us captive and damage our self-view while distorting our perception of forgiveness and our position as image bearers of God. As redeemed children of God we are creators of great value and worth. Shame binds us and restricts our full expression and function as valuable children of God. Theologically, the redeemed believer is spiritually perfect and greatly loved and accepted by God, yet often times we punish ourselves through the means of shame for our failures and shortcomings. We must recognize our worth in Christ and function within that declaration of great value.
Sometimes shame results not from our own failures, but from the victimization of acts of evil committed against us including sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse. This kind of shame is not easily overcome without help and assistance of a good biblical counselor. We cannot heal from this kind of difficulty through isolation and our own efforts to heal ourselves. Seeking help is good for us individually, our life partner and the marriage relationship. Life is complex and our experiences in life are complex, therefore while negotiating the emotional minefield of life, an expert with a mine detector is vital for our personal and relational health.
Final Thoughts
The final thing to remember is that the key to all of these principles and the road to healing personal issues and the marital relationship is the principle of progress not perfection. If we demand perfection from our spouse we build a wall that is impossible to breach. This leads to discouragement and finally to defeat. Our spouse will give up on the effort to make forward progress, because regardless of the progress achieved it is never good enough for our expectations. The goal is not to change your life partner, but to change yourself and commit your spouse to God. Encouragement in progress is better than the demand of perfection.
By Jeff “The Brain” Claiborne
Staff Writer
The Vortex Apologetic
The Vortex Apologetic 